Give and Take

First sorry for the lack of blogging...I've made a promise to get back to it one entry at a time. I will do a "catch up" soon. This entry has a different purpose. Some people deal with life's issues privately, they hold it in or speak to a few people whom they can trust without doubt. I however am not that person. I find comfort in the words of strangers. I think writing is therapy. I'm not ashamed of things I have gone through. I like to think that somewhere someone might say (even in the tiny of voices) "me too". I purge. So let's get into it... I had (am having?) a miscarriage. Jason and I decided a couple months ago that we would no longer be preventing pregnancy. That anytime the good lord decided to bless us with Baby Caldwell V2.0 we would be ready. First month came and went as usual with my cycle. However, this month after 14 days my cycle had still not arrived. What did come was pregnancy symptoms (nausea, boobs that felt like they were going to explode, drowiness etc..) I took a couple tests, one said cleary no and one seemed inconclsive. I didn't have time to dwell on my inconclusive test long, for the next day I started my "period". However, after a few days it became blatantly obvious that this was not a period. Nothing about it was regular. I will not go into the deatails here because its not appetizing stuff. After speaking with my doctor about what I am going through she agreed with me that I am most likely having a miscarriage. But that it sounds like a very early pregnancy that most likely will be able to flush my system naturally. Therefore, I do not need a D&C unless any of my symptoms worsen. A miscarriage. Huh. Shouldn't I be crying? Really it just feels quite shocking. I never even knew for certain I was pregnant before I knew I was losing a pregnancy. I feel odd. Odd is really the best way I can describe it. The mother side of me is wondering was that the baby boy my husband wants so bad? What is wrong with my body? Hope that doesn't happen the next time I do try and get pregnant. However, there is now another side of me, the career woman side. Yup, career. After 2 years home with Princess Giselle a great opportunity fell into my lap. I jumped on it and am now gainfully employed at a law firm. I started Monday, and I love it so far. In fact, before my "period" turned into my miscarriage, Jason and I decided we would wait on having another baby. I want a chance to test this job world out. To possibly move into a bigger home etc...before bringing a new baby into our world. So here I am week 1 back at work and losing a pregnancy I didn't know was there. I am ok. Which is why if you are my close friend/family member reading this and you are just now finding out, I didn't reach out to anyone because I do not want this to turn into a pity party for me. I'm doing well now and I would like to keep it that way. Yes of course I am sadden by the loss. But I was so early on that I had no expectations that were crushed. For now I will focus all my energies on my #1 little girl and husband, and my job. Be grateful for what the lord GAVE me and not for what he TOOK. Just like Garth Brooks said "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers" October is Pregnancy/Infancy loss & SIDS awareness month - which I found out today. Of course that inspired me to write this. Take a moment to pray for all the babies we never got to hold and the ones that were held for too short a time. Put your trust in God and that he knows what he is doing and when you can't enjoy the ride, just squeeze your eyes closed real tight cause the scary part will be over soon.

Mommyhood

Well I have severely neglected this blog lately! Sorry but there is a new little addition to my life the requires, scratch that - demands my time! Giselle Brooke Caldwell was born 11 days early on 8/4/10 at 7:49am, weighing in at 7.5 lbs and 19 inches long. The short story of my labor: 8/3/10 my water broke, went to hospital began pitocin, epidural did not work so I was in a lot of pain, pushed for close to 2 miserable hours and she was born completely healthy.

Were currently in week 5 of mommyhood. So far she's gaining weight, eating, sleeping, peeing and pooping, therefore I believe I am doing something right. As I type this she is sleeping next to me, and she just farted...loud. First reaction from me? - "Phew!, at least it wasn't a juicy one." This is now my life. Judging the sounds of farts, wearing pads in my bras, spit up in my hair and juggling my whole day around her every 2 hour feedings. Is it wonderful? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Have I cried and screamed and thought what the hell did I get myself into? You betcha!

Week 1 was bliss, my new beautiful baby just slept and ate. Hardly made noise and could be put down for a nap anywhere at any time. Then she woke up. Thus began our journey of learning each other. I needed her to teach me what she needed, and she needed me to figure it out quick!

I remember a night in our 3rd week where she was up screaming all night, making sleep impossible for her and myself. My husband was finally leaving for work around 6:00am (lucky bastard! Yes, I was actually jealous he got to go to work) and looked at me holding our baby, while both baby and I were crying and he said "You want to give her back?". ***sigh*** Mommyhood is hard. Very hard. You do want to give them back at times - even if you don't admit it. You want someone to just take them so the screaming will stop. You want your old life back. Your old body back. You want to sleep for hours. You want it all to just stop....and then? And then your baby looks in your eyes and smiles and you forget all your troubles. You melt into a pool of love. And you realize somehow this chaos is exactly where you want to be. Even if that smile was just a gas pain, you need to believe it was meant for you.

I've also learned to be victorious. Be proud and pat myself on the back. You know those beer commercials where they reward absolute foolish behavior? EX: "Here's to you Mister Overly Aggressive Flag Football Player..." I do that all day long!

Here's some of my awarded titles:
Here's to You Mommy that can catch a pacifier in the air in the split second it leaves her mouth before hitting the ground. You channel your inner Neo from the matrix like nobody would believe!

Here's to you Mommy that can change a diaper at 4:30a.m. with one eye open and some how get all the poop off from her back to her belly without waking the baby completely up. Your sleep working would make a zombie jealous.

Here's to you Mommy that can make a homemade meal one handed while rocking the baby to sleep. Your inner Emmerl is shining even if you don't yell "bam!" in fear of waking her.

Here's to you Mommy that can breastfeed, pet the dog with your foot and text all at the same time. You may not be 3 people but you do just as much!

The awards go on. But seriously, each day she goes to sleep healthy I give myself an A for the day.


We're currently breast feeding without any other supplements. Lucky me, these boobs were meant for feeding. I know many women who have struggled and been defeated by breast feeding but not me! I thankfully haven't had any problems thus far (knock on wood). No chapped or bleeding or cracked nipples - thank God! And Giselle is a champ too, she latched on right out of the belly and loves nothing more than a little boobie in her life. I hope to continue to be able to provide for her for at least 6 months. I also think taking the breast feeding class at Hoag hospital and listening to the nurses helped me tons. It's all about the latch ladies!

She's up every 2 - 3 hours at night currently, but most of the time goes right back to sleep after feeding for about 20 minutes. She's approximately 10lbs and starting to grow out of her newborn clothes (pouty face). She loves sleeping on her belly, but only does so when mommy is supervising. She's a strong little peanut, raising her head more and more each day and grasps fingers with all her might!

Jason and I are a good team. We try and laugh when all else fails, crying is no fun anyways! We give each other breaks when we need it and try to remember to take some time for ourselves. We celebrated our first wedding anniversary sans baby at the Reef on August 29th and even got out for a couple cocktails without her last weekend (Thanks Auntie Jenn and Grandma for babysitting). We've only threatened to take her to the fire station a couple times. ;)

This is by far the biggest challenge I have taken on. I look forward to all the ups, and fear the downs but will do my best to embrace it all. All and all I am blessed to be the proud, frazzled, neurotic, mother of a gorgeous baby girl <3

All-a- Board the Baby Express!!

Choo Choo! Next stop...dirty diapers and chaffed nipples!!!

Here I am 38 weeks (per Dr. Chu, not the ultrasound lady). And I am huge, like Big Gulp - Football Field - Mom in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" - Hot Air Balloon huge....or so it feels. **sigh** I had a doctor's appointment just this morning which went well. Doc says Giselle's head is down and officially in position and my cervix is softening (yay!). Which means now I just wait til Gorilla Girl decides to come out. Why "Gorilla Girl" you ask? - oh because the doctor estimates she's already about 8 1/2 lbs and if she's stays in until her due date she should be (according the the doctors) about 9 1/2 lbs. So I picture her coming out Denzel Washington style throwing up a peace sign and sayin "Momma, King Kong aint got shit onnnnn me" hahaha makes me giggle every time! Apparently I was also a Gorilla Girl weighing in at 8.12 at birth - but I was 2 weeks late. Giselle better not be late or she'll be on immediate time out when she gets here ;). Of course the doctors could be totally wrong, I mean what does thousands of dollars, years in med school, and even more years of experience mean afterall? - **gulp** nothing I hope.

Everything is ready for her arrival, in fact today would be a good day for her to come because my home is clean, I just finished washing my car and I actually shaved my legs(go ahead give me a round of applause for that last one because I totally deserve it!). So Giselle, if you're ready I am! I think. I'm not really scared, for the most part. I am nervous mostly concerning her: What if the cord wraps around her neck?, What if she inhales some of her poop?, What if she has a 3rd leg or is missing an ear? What if she is really born a he? What if, What if, What if!!! Chances are she will be perfectly healthy and have the correct number of appendages but I guess as a mom my worrying starts now. Besides I already have the answer to the last question, if she were born a he - he would be totally flaming gay because Momma already has more pink baby things than she knows what to do with. I'd be totally ok with that too (shopping partner!) - Daddy on the other hand...

Weird how you haven't held your baby, kissed your baby or heck even seen your baby but already you've decided you'd do absolutely anything for her. Starting with pushing a watermelon through a lemon hole.

The last couple weeks I've started to feel over it. Over being pregnant that is. I'm over my feet and hands being twice their normal size, over huffing and puffing just when walking from point A (normally the couch) to point B (more than likely the fridge), over having heartburn so bad I think I'm having a heart attack etc etc... I'm also missing things. I miss being able to wear my wedding ring, I miss being able to grab any sparkley thong from my undie drawer not digging for a "big girl" pair, I miss having more than 2 comfortable pairs of shoes, I miss having sex with my husband that isn't "just-have-sex-cause-it's-suppose-to-put-you-in-labor" sex, and I miss having a beer or 2 darn it! BUT "they" -whoever "they" is I'm still not sure- anyways,"they" say it's all worth it in the end and you forget all your troubles once that little (or in my case, maybe not so little) baby is in your arms.

"They" better be right.

Check in soon...thanks for reading <3

p.s. here is a pic of her completed nursery.

Crunch time!

It is crunch time (after baby it will be crunchie time). But here we are 6 - 7 weeks til D Day! We (Mom, Jason and I) have been busting our butts getting ready for the cutest baby in the world to get here (biased much? lol)

We had our shower on June 6th and boy did we get spoiled! We got 32 bibs, about 20 blankets, 3 strollers, enough wash cloths and towels to last a life time, our pack n play, a jumper, baby seat, too many cute clothes to count...etc etc... WE ARE SO BLESSED. Thank you to all that came to share our joy.

Last weekend we finally finished painting the nursery. This was no easy feat I tell you! The walls started out a dark tan semi-gloss. So first we (well Mom) sanded them down, then 2 coats of primer, then 2 coats of the wrong color green (my fault) and then 2 coats of the right color green and followed up by priming and painting the base boards white. PHEW! - We were, nevermind, we ARE pooped! Took us 2 weekends but it did finally come out the way we wanted it.

Painting was followed up by sorting the diva's wardrobe. I tell you I have never cut so many damn tags in my life! We organized her closet and dresser by size, and I am now convinced she is bound to take after me with her love for clothes! She will always be dressed to impressed that's for certain.

I had a doctor's appointment last week around 32/33 weeks and Dr. Chu says Giselle's head is down and her heartbeat strong at 150 bpm. She weighs about 3 lbs and I have gained 22 lbs...both of us are on the right track. We're seeing the doc every 2 weeks now so I will do my best to report our progress often.

Next order of business in the next few weeks is to hang curtains and wall art in the nursery, install the car seat and pack a bag for Jason and myself. All in between Nicole having baby Roman, our big 4th of July block party, my sister's 30th bday, my Dad's bday, 2 baby classes, Jason's bday...oh and whatever else life wants to throw my way! I'm sure it will all fly by.

Here's a pic of some nursery progress - her closet...I'll post the final nursery pics when it's all done :)

Long time no blog?

My last update was May 9th - almost a month ago. I apologize if anyone out there actually follows and has been wondering where I've been (which might be wishful thinking on my part).

Well, May 10th I got fired. Yes, fired. Canned. Let Go. Dumped. Put out on my ass.
So what that meant was that I not only lost my job, but I lost my apartment (I got a 2 bedroom place for free as part of my income). They gave me 3 days to move. You read right, 3 whole days. Nice huh?

But enough about that gloom…

Present day: We are in a new 2 bedroom place back in my old neighborhood. Yay. This means both my mom and sister are walking distance from our place. Double Yay. Yes, we are more financially strapped since I am not bringing home a paycheck and unemployment takes awhile to start coming in…but we are so lucky to have amazing support from our awesome family and friends. And I know once all the dust settles, so to speak, that we will be just fine.

Giselle is thriving and is measuring in the 62 percentile for size. Her heart beat is strong and her measurements are all on track (the picture is her profile at 28 weeks). And of course I am getting larger myself. But doctor says my weight gain is right on track (phew! I thought I’d be over by now). I do find myself being more hungry these days. And have had more pregnancy cravings. Nothing too weird yet, candy mostly – oh and kids cereal … Captain Crunch mmmmm.

I had my glucose screening the other day, where I got to drink that fun syrupy liquid that is similar to thick, flat, 7up… yum. But the results came back good – so I am allowed to indulge a little in my candy craving! However, my thyroid levels came back a little low and it turns out I am anemic. So I switched up my thyroid prescription (something I am totally used to by now! Having dealt with thyroid problems since 6th grade) and now take an iron supplement. The iron is suppose to give me more energy, which is very welcome. But is also suppose to make me constipated, **sigh** not welcome. I guess you win some you lose some and I may be spending some of that extra energy in the bathroom (too much info? Sorry!).

This weekend I am having my baby shower. Whoo Hoo! I can’t wait to see all my friends and family. After this weekend, my energy (not spent in the bathroom) will be focused on re-creating Giselle’s nursery. Of course, we had just finished painting, hanging drapes, stenciling, and putting up wall décor in our old place right before I was fired. Grrrrr. Now we get to start again. But the plus to this is that her room is much bigger at our new place. And I know we will make it just as beautiful as it was before.

For now I am trying to relax, breathe and take every thing in stride. (Don’t I sound like I’ve got it all together?!). LOL. Don’t worry I have had my sobbing, shaking, snot pouring down my face moments about losing my job. But I know that I have something much more important to focus on…our daughter. My job was able to take my home, stability, income and insurance but they cannot take away the joy of starting my family. My husband has been my rock, always promising everything will be ok. My mom has been my shelter, doing for us what we can’t do for ourselves at the moment and ensuring we have all we need (and then some). My sister, my best friend – ready to beat someone up if I say so or stopping by with groceries to make sure her niece is eating well . Plus so many friends that helped us moved, or took our minds off stressing by making us laugh. Without the support I don’t know where I’d be. But I want to THANK everyone that has stuck around during this cloudy period. And know that when any of you need anything we’ll be the first ones there!

I promise I’ll check in sooner than later this time!

Mother's Day

Today is Mother’s Day! So much to celebrate! - like heartburn, cramps, this new heat rash I got on my boobs, swollen feet….I kid I kid, I will refrain from complaining in this post….ok, no promises but I will try very hard.

I have so many wonderful Mother’s in my life. Starting with my own of course. Anyone that has met my Mom totally agrees – she rocks! And my sister is now in the running for Mom of the year. Just this week she made heart shaped sandwiches for the boys just because and hand made Mother’s day cards for all the boys on Lukas’ T-Ball team to give their Mommies. She totally rocks too. Plus I have so many great Mommy friends: Amy, Jill, Darlene, etc etc…and Aunts and cousins and co-worker moms. It goes on and on.

And next year at this time I will be a Mom (to someone other than Jersey Girl), and hopefully half as good of one as these great Moms in my life. There are many things I hope to do for my daughter that make her think I am a great Mom too.

I want to eat ice cream until our heads turn too cold to stand
And read you bedtimes stories that take place in a faraway land.

I want to let you run in sprinklers in the middle of July
And take you to the beach to watch all the kites fly.

I want you to believe in Santa, in magic and in big dreams
And teach to how to wish in fountains, on stars and moon beams.

I want to let you color outside the lines and tell you that it’s art
And tell you everyday that you are beautiful, caring and smart.

I want to help to make Valentine’s cards for your first class in school
And teach you to always be kind even when other kids are cruel.

I want to be there to chase away any monsters hiding under your bed
And listen when you talk, to truly hear each word that is said.

I want to be your best friend, the one that never lets you down
Be your security blanket, your protector or your silly little clown.

I want you to know when your here how much I will always love you
And I want you to know right now, that in fact … I already do.

Pregnancy is not very fun today

Like a little kid stuck in the back seat of a car, all I want to know is “Are we there yet?”.
I had a pregnancy breakdown last night. And I thought there is just no way I can do this another 3 ½ months. No friggin’ way.

The night before last I had a horrible nights sleep – tossed and turned all night and kept waking up hot and sweaty. And now there are of course 2 new things that have, of recent, joined the fight against me: leg cramps and heartburn.

My daughter the little flame thrower – is lighting my chest up at a whole new level these days. They say heartburn means she will have a lot of hair. Well, if that is the case I am afraid I may be giving birth to King Kong. To combat this heartburn I refer to my list of “ok to take medication” that I got from Dr. Chu. Only thing I saw on there that was in my cupboard was Tums. And let me tell you when I wasn’t pregnant and had a tummy ache those suckers would work wonders….Now? well now they do absolutely nothing for the raging inferno in my body.

So back to the list. List says (and friend Jill recommends) Gaviscon.

Off to the store. Gaviscon to the rescue…well at least the first couple of times. Gaviscon works much much better than Tums. BUT still doesn’t relieve my problem. I can’t sleep, with this heartburn. So I prop all my pillows up, I chew gum, I sip water, I don’t eat spicy or late at night….I can’t get it to go away. And therefore I can’t sleep. And it’s not only at night it’s during the day too. Yay.

Along with HFH (heartburn from hell) I’ve started getting leg cramps. So just in case I do by the grace of God fall asleep for a couple hours I will surely be woken up by leg cramps. The kind that feel like pitbull has gotten a hold of my calf and wants to twist the muscles until they snap. Only way to make them go away? – jump out of bed and stretch out my leg. However, with the growing belly there is no more “jumping” in or out of bed these days. More like a steady wiggle side to side until I get enough momentum to roll over. FUN… not.

Back to last night…

After I had been dealing with no sleep and heartburn all day and night I just wanted to relax. And then I started feeling itchy. Really itchy. Wanted to find a tall oak tree to scrape my back on, itchy. I couldn’t relieve the itch, I tried a bath and lotion, making Jason scratch me etc… Nothing.

I know, I know, heartburn, leg cramps, itchiness maybe not sound like that big of a deal. But when you combined it with working all day, overall lack of sleep and pregnancy hormones it’s was just enough to push me over the edge. I stood in the bathroom and cried. Snot running down my face my husband asks me what’s wrong…and all I can say is “pregnancy is not very fun today”.

p.s. pic is of us in a happier moment. 6 months.