Give and Take

First sorry for the lack of blogging...I've made a promise to get back to it one entry at a time. I will do a "catch up" soon. This entry has a different purpose. Some people deal with life's issues privately, they hold it in or speak to a few people whom they can trust without doubt. I however am not that person. I find comfort in the words of strangers. I think writing is therapy. I'm not ashamed of things I have gone through. I like to think that somewhere someone might say (even in the tiny of voices) "me too". I purge. So let's get into it... I had (am having?) a miscarriage. Jason and I decided a couple months ago that we would no longer be preventing pregnancy. That anytime the good lord decided to bless us with Baby Caldwell V2.0 we would be ready. First month came and went as usual with my cycle. However, this month after 14 days my cycle had still not arrived. What did come was pregnancy symptoms (nausea, boobs that felt like they were going to explode, drowiness etc..) I took a couple tests, one said cleary no and one seemed inconclsive. I didn't have time to dwell on my inconclusive test long, for the next day I started my "period". However, after a few days it became blatantly obvious that this was not a period. Nothing about it was regular. I will not go into the deatails here because its not appetizing stuff. After speaking with my doctor about what I am going through she agreed with me that I am most likely having a miscarriage. But that it sounds like a very early pregnancy that most likely will be able to flush my system naturally. Therefore, I do not need a D&C unless any of my symptoms worsen. A miscarriage. Huh. Shouldn't I be crying? Really it just feels quite shocking. I never even knew for certain I was pregnant before I knew I was losing a pregnancy. I feel odd. Odd is really the best way I can describe it. The mother side of me is wondering was that the baby boy my husband wants so bad? What is wrong with my body? Hope that doesn't happen the next time I do try and get pregnant. However, there is now another side of me, the career woman side. Yup, career. After 2 years home with Princess Giselle a great opportunity fell into my lap. I jumped on it and am now gainfully employed at a law firm. I started Monday, and I love it so far. In fact, before my "period" turned into my miscarriage, Jason and I decided we would wait on having another baby. I want a chance to test this job world out. To possibly move into a bigger home etc...before bringing a new baby into our world. So here I am week 1 back at work and losing a pregnancy I didn't know was there. I am ok. Which is why if you are my close friend/family member reading this and you are just now finding out, I didn't reach out to anyone because I do not want this to turn into a pity party for me. I'm doing well now and I would like to keep it that way. Yes of course I am sadden by the loss. But I was so early on that I had no expectations that were crushed. For now I will focus all my energies on my #1 little girl and husband, and my job. Be grateful for what the lord GAVE me and not for what he TOOK. Just like Garth Brooks said "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers" October is Pregnancy/Infancy loss & SIDS awareness month - which I found out today. Of course that inspired me to write this. Take a moment to pray for all the babies we never got to hold and the ones that were held for too short a time. Put your trust in God and that he knows what he is doing and when you can't enjoy the ride, just squeeze your eyes closed real tight cause the scary part will be over soon.